


Five Times Jensen Doesn't Say Something and He Should (And One Time He Does)

by dandyline_wine



Series: Rascal Flatts Five Times [2]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-04-12
Updated: 2009-04-12
Packaged: 2020-11-01 14:13:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20816480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dandyline_wine/pseuds/dandyline_wine
Summary: Jensen internalizes angst. The end.





	Five Times Jensen Doesn't Say Something and He Should (And One Time He Does)

**1\. Secret Smile ** _(or there’s something more worth fighting for)_

Jared goes to Sandy’s place to pick up some of his stuff and when he comes back to Vancouver, he tells Jensen he slept with her. Jensen tells him, okay. He says that he understands. He says it’s cool, he gets it.

But what he thinks is, you fucking suck, Jared.

Because Jensen does get it, he does, honest. He knows that Jared’s not in love with Sandy anymore and he knows where he stands with Jared. It’s just. It sucks.

He doesn’t say anything though because what’s the point? Jared knows how Jensen feels. He knows what he did sucks. He’s not going to do it again.

Or at least Jensen assumes that’s the case.

Jared goes back to L.A. once more to get the last of his things from Sandy and when he comes back, Jensen doesn’t ask yes or no. He doesn’t want to hear yes because he’s tired of picturing the two of them in his head. He doesn’t want to hear no because he’s not sure he’d believe it.

They’re sitting on Jared’s couch, legs on the coffee table, watching ESPN. Jensen’s only half watching while he tries to finish the crossword puzzle Jared started. He usually only gets three or four clues finished before he gets bored and hands it off to Jensen.

Ten minutes into Pardon the Interruption, Jared says, “You haven’t asked me about Sandy.”

Jensen fills in three across and asks, “What was I supposed to ask you?”

Jensen feels Jared shrug next to him. “Nothing. I just thought. You know.”

Jensen just says, “Hmm,” and assumes Jared will finish his thought.

“Nothing happened, Jen.”

“Okay.”

“I mean it.” Jared reaches over to grab his crossword puzzle and repeats, “I mean it.”

Jensen looks at him. “Okay, Jared. I believe you.” He does.

“It’s just. Sometimes I think you don’t trust me.”

Jensen wonders briefly if trust is a black/white type of deal or if it comes in degrees. He wouldn’t say he didn’t trust Jared, just more that he trusts him less than he used to. He didn’t think it was a bad thing, really. Just inevitable.

Jensen stares at the crossword puzzle Jared’s waving around. “I never said I didn’t trust you.”

Jared slides his feet off of the table and turns to face Jensen. “You don’t say a lot of things, Jensen.”

“Meaning?” He turns to face Jared.

“Meaning. Meaning maybe you didn’t ask me because you didn’t want to know.”

Jensen lunges forward to reclaim his crossword puzzle. Jared lets him take it. “Jared. I figure if you want to tell me something, you’ll tell me. That’s all.”

He stretches his legs back onto the table and finishes filling in seven across.

Jared’s quiet for awhile and Jensen only has two clues left to finish when Jared says, “You’re not fucking anyone else, right?”

Jensen looks up, eyes wide. “What?” He sees a look in Jared’s eyes he can’t quite place and reaches over to touch Jared’s leg. “No.”

Jared lets out a breath. “I know. I mean, I figured. You just seemed so casual about this whole thing and I started wondering if. You know. Never mind, it was stupid.”

Jensen thinks he should say, please don’t sleep with anyone else, Jared. Jensen thinks that’s what Jared wants to hear.

Jensen thinks about saying it but then thinks he shouldn’t have to.

He finishes his crossword puzzle.

*

**2\. Better Now** _ (or to be the strong and silent one, a lot of good that has done)_

They don’t really fight and when they do, it’s over dumb shit like whether or not there should be a salary cap in baseball (there should be) or whether or not there was a second gunman on the grassy knoll (there was). Jensen doesn’t realize that they've never had an honest-to-God real fight until they're having one.

Jensen forgets to tell Jared that he’s flying to Dallas to visit his grandmother. He finds out she’s being admitted to the hospital on Tuesday, he books the flight on Wednesday, and doesn’t tell Jared until Thursday. It’s not something he does intentionally but Jared takes it to heart and says, “Jesus, Jensen. How can you not tell me something so important?”

They’re standing in Jared’s trailer. Jensen shrugs and answers softly, “I’m sorry, Jay. I didn’t mean to forget.”

Jared says, “Sandy never forgot that shit,” and shakes his head furiously as soon as the words are out of his mouth, scrunching his eyes. “I. I’m sorry, man. I have no idea why I said that.”

Jensen’s frozen in place. He wants to say, fuck you, Jared. He doesn’t. Instead he says, “If you don’t want to be here, don’t be here.” He turns to walk away but Jared grabs his arm and turns him around.

“I’m a fucking idiot, man. I’m sorry.” He leans down and kisses Jensen, quick and chaste. “I wanna be here. I just verbal vomit sometimes.”

Jensen touches his forehead to Jared’s and thinks, I know. It’s okay.

Jared asks, “Do you want me to come with you?”

No, Jensen thinks. “No,” he says. But he doesn’t know why.

He goes to his own trailer and wonders why he does some of the things he does, why he says things the way that he says them. He’s usually pretty self-aware but lately. Lately, he does things he doesn’t understand. Jensen’s uncomfortable with not understanding himself. He feels awkward in his own skin like maybe he wasn’t put together right. Like maybe he’s empty some places where something should be. Where something was.

For the life of him, he doesn’t ever think he’ll understand why he does what he does next.

Jensen’s fooling around with an extra in his trailer, her shirt on his floor and her bra hanging off one of her shoulders, when Jared walks in. Jensen says, “Hey,” and thinks, Jesus fuck.

The extra – Bridget – looks confused. She starts to put her bra back on as Jared asks, “What’s her name?”

Jensen puts his shirt on and stands up. “Bridget. Bridget, this is Jared. Jared, Bridget.”

Bridget nods to Jared and says, “I’m uh, I’m gonna go.” She finishes buttoning her shirt and closes the trailer door on her way out. Jensen thinks he’s going to be sick.

Jared’s staring at him, waiting. He doesn’t say a word and Jensen can tell the silence is killing him.

“Jared,” he starts.

“Seriously, Jen? Seriously?”

Jensen puts his hand up in response, walks over to his toilet and vomits.

He feels Jared crouch down next to him. He puts a hand on Jensen’s back and asks, “What’s going on with you?”

Jensen stays hunched over the toilet and says nothing.

“Is this. Is this too much for you or something? Are you freaking out about us?”

No, Jensen thinks with certainty. “Maybe,” he says. He doesn’t know why he lies.

Jared just rubs his back and says, “Okay.”

Jensen rests his head on the toilet seat and thinks of saying, I love you, Jared. He thinks of saying, this isn’t about you. He wants to say, I hate that I’m hurting you and I don’t even fucking know why I’m doing it.

He wants to tell him but he doesn’t, even though it’s all true.

Jensen wakes up the next morning, his face warm. He’s facing the window, Jared’s arm around his waist, clutching. Jensen grabs Jared’s arm and clutches back.

“Morning,” Jared whispers into his neck.

“Hey,” Jensen whispers back. He’s waiting for Jared to get up for his morning run so he says, “Let’s just lay here for awhile, okay?”

Jared just kisses his neck. Jensen just thinks.

This right here? This? This is enough for Jensen. Jared here, arms and legs tangled, this is all he needs. All he wants. He just. He wants to get his head on straight.

“I wouldn’t have slept with her,” he says, suddenly.

Jared shifts behind him. “I know.”

Jensen doesn’t like to think of himself as a cheater, despite what he did to Danneel. He tries to tell himself that it was different, that it was for Jared and Jared is different. There are different rules for Jared. He tries to tell himself that yesterday was different because he wouldn’t have gone through with it. He tells himself these things but he doesn’t know what they mean.

They’re both quiet for awhile and Jensen thinks maybe Jared fell back asleep. Jensen tries to fall asleep, tired of thinking. Tired of always thinking. He closes his eyes right as Jared asks, “You feeling better today?”

Jensen says, “Yeah, I think so.” He breathes in deep and continues, “So. Yesterday."

“Yeah. I’m over it.” He pauses. “I mean, I’m a pretty big fan of it never happening again but. You know.”

Jensen smiles into his pillow. “It won’t happen again.”

He rolls over and smiles into Jared’s mouth. Jared smiles back.

I’m sorry, Jensen thinks.

It’s the last good morning they have for awhile.

*

**3\. Help Me Remember ** _(or we both know we weren’t always like this)_

They start fighting a lot. Even their friends get it.

They argue in the car about hiatus. They get their fifth season and they know it’s the last one. Jensen is tense and Jared is irritable.

“I’m just saying that I don’t know, Jared. That’s all I’m saying.”

“Fuck your ‘I don’t know’s, Jen. You’re in a relationship and I deserve more than an ‘I don’t know’.”

“What do you want me to say?” Jensen throws his arms up in defeat as they walk towards the bar.

“I want an answer, that’s all!”

Jensen sighs. “We have a week left here, man. Can’t we worry about it later?”

Jared stops and it takes Jensen a moment to realize he’s walking alone. He turns around faces Jared.

“Jensen.” Jared’s voice is soft and it tugs at something in his chest. “You seriously can’t give me any kind of commitment? Nothing?”

“That’s not what I’m saying.” Jensen takes a few steps towards Jared. “I’m just saying I don’t know when, Jay. You’ve got projects. I’ve got projects. We’ve got family things. What’s the big deal?”

Jared shakes his head and drops his eyes. He starts walking and says, “No big deal. I just. I don’t get you sometimes.”

They stop in front of the entrance and Jensen says, “Can we finish this later?”

Jared just rolls his eyes and answers, “Yeah, whatever.”

They bicker some more across the table and Mike and Tom watch them go back and forth.

“Okay. So. This is awkward,” Mike says. “I’m gonna go get a round and by the time I get back, how about you fuckers be done arguing?”

Jared follows Mike to the bar and Jensen watches a girl walk up to them, asking for an autograph. He sees Jared put a hand on the small of her back. She looks like Sandy. Jensen looks away.

He goes outside to smoke a cigarette. Jared follows him out a few minutes later. “I thought you were trying to quit?” Jared asks.

Jensen doesn’t answer, just shrugs.

Jared sighs and shakes his head. He mutters, “You don’t even fucking answer me anymore.”

Jensen looks over. “What?”

“You,” Jared says. “You don’t talk to me.”

“I talk to you. I’m talking to you now.”

“No,” Jared argues. “It’s like I hit your fucking mute button and I just. I can’t figure how to turn you back on.”

“I’m sorry,” Jensen says. And he is. He drops his cigarette and steps on it.

“Don’t be fucking sorry. Just do something about it.” Jared walks back inside and Jensen watches his back. He wants to say, stop, come back. He wants to say, let’s go home.

He wants to say, I’ll meet you anytime anywhere over the hiatus, Jared. I’m so fucking in love with you that I can’t see straight.

They go back to Jensen’s place. He sits on his bed and when Jared comes in a few minutes later, Jensen looks at him, really looks at him. He hates what he sees on Jared’s face. He hates it even more that he put it there. He looks world-weary and at only 26, Jensen feels responsible. Jensen feels useless.

Jared takes a shaky breath and meets Jensen’s eyes. “Jen. I think maybe. Maybe you have some shit to work out.”

Jensen stares at him. “What shit?”

Jared shakes his head miserably. “I don’t know.” He sounds miserable. He looks miserable.

“Okay,” Jensen says slowly. “So what’re you saying?”

Jared shakes his head again. “I don’t fucking know.” He blinks a few times and says, “Look, I had some shit to figure out last year and you just. Let me. Maybe I’m supposed to like, let you take your turn or something?”

“My turn? For what?”

“I don’t know!” Jared says, exasperated. He stands and starts pacing. “I don’t know what to do here, Jensen. It’s like we’re stuck or something.”

“Stuck?”

“Repeating my words does not count as talking, Jensen!” Jared is still pacing.

“Okay, okay. Jesus. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to say.”

Jared sighs again. “I know. That’s the whole fucking point, man.” He stops pacing and faces Jensen. “I broke up with Sandy for you, Jen. For this. And-”

“Jesus Christ. You can’t keep throwing that in my face, Jared.”

“Listen, dammit!” Jared hisses. “That’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying. I’m saying …” He trails off and runs his hands though his hair. “I don’t know what I’m saying.”

He walks over and crouches in front of Jensen, pushing in between his legs. Jared grabs his face and kisses him, fierce. “I don’t know what you need right now but I want to give it to you anyway.”

Jensen is still breathless when Jared stands up. He looks down at him and says, “I’ll see you tomorrow.” He brushes his fingers across Jensen’s shoulder and Jensen wants to say, stay. Please stay.

He wants to say, stay and I’ll talk. I’ll talk about anything you want if you just stay, dammit. He wants to say, I think I’m scared but I don’t know why.

He hears Jared close the door behind him.

*

**4\. No Reins ** _(or oh, oh, I gotta go and find me)_

They don’t see each other over hiatus. They talk, practically everyday.

Sometimes they talk about stuff. Sometimes they don’t talk about anything.

“If I paid you five dollars, would you eat a frog?” Jared asks.

Jensen smiles and puts his bagel in the toaster. “Is it alive or dead?”

“It’s dead. You killed it.”

“Wait. Why did I kill a frog?”

“I don’t have the back story worked out yet. Just answer the question.”

Jensen bites his bottom lip and tries not to laugh. “Is it like, fried? Or am I eating a raw frog?”

Jared sighs. “It’s raw. I’m not giving you five dollars to eat a fried frog.”

“How big is the frog? Can I just pop it in or do I have to chew?”

“Your call. Just answer the question, Jensen.”

Jensen grabs a plate from the cabinet and before he can answer Jared asks, “Are you in the kitchen?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“Just wondering. What’re you eating?”

“A bagel. Why?” And that ends the frog debate.

Sometimes they talk about important stuff.

“So I got a script in the mail today,” Jared says.

“Oh yeah?” Jensen pauses The Matrix and waits.

“Yeah. It’s not bad. It’s a lame action movie but it’s not bad.”

Jensen’s throat closes up. He waits some more.

“I’d have to start filming like, right after we wrap next spring. But it’s something, you know?”

Jensen nods and then remembers Jared can’t see him. Yeah, he thinks. It’s something.

He can hear Jared rustling on the other end. “Jensen?”

“Yeah?”

“Nothing. Just making sure you’re still there.”

“I’m still here.” I’m still here, he thinks. I’m right where you left me.

Sometimes they fight but not really.

“Well, what are your plans for Memorial Day weekend? You flying home?” Jared asks.

Jensen’s organizing his CDs but he’s not sure how yet. He makes another pile and before he can answer, Jared lets out a frustrated sigh.

“Jensen?”

“Yeah?”

“Just. Nothing.” Jared sighs again and his voice sounds defeated. “Just because you always know what’s going on in my head doesn’t mean that I know what’s going on in yours.”

Jensen pauses, CDs in both hands. “I know.” I’m sorry, he thinks.

“I just don’t ever know what you’re thinking.” Jensen opens his mouth to say, Just ask me and I’ll tell you but Jared continues, “And don’t tell me to ‘just ask you and you’ll tell me’.”

Jensen snaps his mouth shut and blinks. Jesus, he thinks. Jesus Christ.

He stands up, CDs falling to the floor.

Jared, he thinks. Jared, sometimes you freak me out. Sometimes you say things before I think them.

“Jensen? Are you there?”

Jensen stands in the middle of his living room, frozen. Silent.

Jared sighs. “Just. Call me later or something. Call me when you actually want to talk.”

Jensen waits until he hears the dial tone before he closes his phone.

He wants to call Jared back and say, I don’t need to say anything. He wants to say, Jared, you already know everything there is to know.

Sometimes they talk about serious stuff but they pretend they don’t.

“Dude, I’m so full right now,” Jared says.

Jensen’s walking back from the gym and he smiles. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. My mom made like, an eighteen course meal.”

“Eighteen courses?”

“And I ate like, my weight in potatoes.”

Jensen laughs and an old lady walking her dog looks at him funny. “I wonder what would happen if you couldn’t use exaggerations for an entire day, Jared.”

“Then I would probably be a lot more boring,” Jared says.

Jensen smiles. He pictures Jared sitting on his bed in San Antonio, staring at the ceiling.

“I miss you,” Jensen says before he even thinks it. He swallows as soon as the words leave his mouth.

“Yeah?”

Jensen nods. “Yeah.”

“You could always come down for a visit,” Jared says, his voice quiet.

Jensen thinks for a moment and before he can answer, Jared says, “So. The Spurs in the playoffs again. How do you like them apples?”

You didn’t let me answer, Jensen thinks. He thinks maybe Jared already knew anyway.

And sometimes – sometimes they talk about serious stuff.

“This hiatus. It’s not like, a breakup, right?”

“No.” Jensen says the word like it’s a reflex, knee-jerk. He thinks that maybe he should start saying things without thinking. “Or, I don’t know. Is it?”

“It’s not to me,” Jared says softly.

I don’t want this to be over, Jensen thinks. Not again. “Me either,” he whispers back.

*

**5\. It’s Not Supposed to Go Like That ** _(or life is a journey constantly turning down an unknown path)_

When Jared flies back, they spend two days in bed. On the third day, Jared says, “Want to see the script I was telling you about?”

No, Jensen thinks. Absolutely not.

“Sure.” He gives a weak smile but Jared’s rummaging through his luggage and doesn’t notice. Jared’s naked, laying on Jensen’s bed and rifling through his poorly packed suitcase and all Jensen can think is, Out. I need to get out of here.

I don’t want to talk about the script, he thinks. I don’t want to talk about season five.

He opens his mouth to say, Later, Jared. Let’s talk about this later. Can we talk about After later?

Jared re-surfaces with the script and Jensen stays silent. He’s beaming and Jensen feels like an ass.

“So.” He takes the script from Jared. “Where does this thing film?”

“Not sure yet.” He settles back into the bed and watches Jensen. “I think mostly L.A. but I think part of it might be in France.”

It’s starting, Jensen thinks as he starts to read. It’s starting and this is when it all comes undone.

Suddenly it hits him. The whole fucking thing hits him and all he says is, “Oh.” He looks up and blinks.

“Oh? Oh what?” Jared asks.

So this is what you’ve been freaking out about, Jensen thinks to himself. The end. The closing of a door and opening of a window and all that. He blinks again.

He doesn’t want this to be over. He doesn’t want Jared in France. He doesn’t want to sit in his apartment organizing his fucking CDs, perpetually waiting for a phone call.

It’s just the beginning, he wants to say to him. Don’t leave now.

“Oh what?” Jared repeats. Jensen looks over at him, floppy hair and awkward smile, trying to burn it into memory.

“It’s nothing,” Jensen says. You’re everything, he thinks.

**

**6\. Here ** _(or I wouldn’t change a thing, I’d walk right back through the rain)_

Jared’s trying to fit everything back into his suitcase and he sighs. “Guess I should head back to my house now, huh?”

“Guess so,” Jensen says, watching him from the bed.

Jared turns to face him. “You okay?”

Say yes, he thinks. “No.”

Jared squints at him. “No?”

Jensen shakes his head. “No. I don’t think so.”

“Okay,” Jared says slowly, sitting down on the bed.

Jensen takes a breath and says carefully, “I think I’ve been stuck this year.”

Jared nods. “Yeah.”

“And you told me to work some shit out.”

“Yeah, I did,” he says warily.

“Well, I think I worked it out.”

Jared nods again. “Okay.”

“And I think there’s stuff I should tell you that I don’t tell you.”

Jared looks uneasy. “Like?”

“Like.” Jensen pauses and thinks. “Like, I don’t want you screwing around with other people.”

Jared looks at him sadly and sighs. “I know. I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, I know. I just. I hated picturing it in my head.”

Jared looks at his hands. “Yeah.”

“So. Let’s not do that anymore?”

Jared gives him a small nod. “Let’s not.”

Jensen nudges Jared’s leg with his foot and Jared looks up. “And hey. I’m sorry about that girl. I’m sorry about that whole thing.”

Jared’s quiet.

“That wasn’t your fault. I wasn’t freaking out about us. And I let you think …” Jensen trails off. “Well, I don’t know what I let you think but it wasn’t you.”

Jared’s still quiet.

Jensen waits for a minute and then says, “I’m sorry, Jay.”

“I know,” Jared says, his voice soft. “Still sucked. I mean, I’m over it. I know it didn’t mean anything.”

Jensen nods. “Yeah.”

“And you know, it wasn’t fun picturing that shit in my head, either.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“So,” Jared says, “Let’s not do that anymore?” He gives Jensen a small smile.

Jensen smiles back. “Let’s not.” He pauses for a moment. “Move in with me.”

Jared’s eyes widen. “Uh. What?”

“You. Move in.”

“I. Wait. What?”

Jensen takes a breath and says, “Look. Sometimes I think stuff and I don’t tell you and maybe I should.”

Jared raises his eybrows. “Yeah. Agreed.”

“So I’m telling you. I want you to move in.”

“Yeah. Got that part.”

“I freak out sometimes. In my head.”

“Yeah. Got that part, too.” He stares at Jensen, waiting.

“Sometimes I freak out about you.”

Jared tilts his head. “You do?”

Jensen nods. “Yeah.”

Jared waits and when Jensen doesn’t respond he says, “You going to be more specific?”

“You need me to be specific?”

Jared shrugs. “No.” He watches Jensen.

“It’s just. Sometimes.” Jensen lets out a frustrated sigh. “You know I love you, right?”

“I know, yeah.”

“And sometimes it freaks me out, Jared. You say stuff before I think it. And you’re going to France. And the show is almost over. And sometimes. Sometimes when I see you, I see …” He trails off. He doesn’t know how to finish.

“See what?” Jared asks.

“I don’t know,” Jensen says. “Everything.”

Jared smiles and bites his lip. “So?”

Jensen just shrugs.

Jared laughs. “Feeling’s mutal, jackass.” He crawls on top of Jensen, pinning him to the bed. “You’re still naked.”

Jensen stares up at him, smiling. “I’m still naked.”

“So do you need to talk some more, Jen? Because Christ, I had no idea that you’d turn into such a girl.”

“Shut up, asshole.” Jared grins down at him and Jensen says, “See if I ever tell you anything again.”

Jared’s smile flickers and his face turns serious. “I like when you tell me things.”

Jensen smiles and pulls Jared’s face down to meet his own. “Okay.” He leans up to kiss Jared and it feels like a beginning. Jensen thinks, this feels like change, this feels like history, this feels like everything. Jensen thinks, Jared probably knows all of this already.

He tells him anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> Headers stolen from Rascal Flatts.


End file.
